feisty_kel

 Invite yourself to these plans! In fact, you manboy just tell her about the plans and completely ruin the idea of this being a 'date' or hangout, or neat meet-up thing. Fuck people, if I say I want to get coffee with you after 'meeting' you off a goddamn dating site it's NOT because I want to get coffee with you and captain sleeps-with-everyone. 

How on earth is this box social going to go anywhere romantic? Since I don't want captain SWE there and I especially don't want her sexually this kindof ruins everything. I might as well show up in a sack and not brush my hair, since there's no point in trying to seduce someone with ol' Captain around. It's like trying to get a hungry person to wait around for a nicely cooked meal when there's a fresh hot-n-ready pizza sitting right there. 

I'm the nicely cooked meal. She's the hot-n-ready pizza. 

Hello all,

a while back I read the post on fatshionista about SWAK designs (http://www.fatshionista.com/cms/index.php?option=com_mojo&Itemid=69&p=142) and liked what I saw. So I ordered two dresses: the Alicia and the Harmony, both in 1X. After trudging through the snow I come home to an excellent surprise, my order is here! ( yay clothes! )</div></div>

The other night when I was walking home a car stopped at the intersection I was crossing (hurray, not getting hit by cars!) and as they pulled away someone in the back said 'We stop for big girls!'. I am so confused by this statement. It wasn't an out and out insult like 'lose weight!' or 'look at that cow!' but I think it was meant as an attack on my size....but what a fail attack! If I'd had more time I would have yelled out 'no, you stopped for the stop sign, a big girl just happenned to be crossing the road, fool!' ah well. silly people.

with regard to everything...anxiety, body image and school. i'm hungry and want a treat because i did a huge exam, but I'm not willing to go to my favorite dinner to get fries because everyone will know i am soooo fat because i eat friies aaaall the time. this is goddamn stupid.

sometimes...when I'm really bored and can't find anything else to do online and am adament about not cleaning/studyng I look up pictures of cute apartments on google and window shop pretty apartment styles.
 
I can do this for an obscene amount of time. Even though I worked at making my apartment look nice and considering what my budget and space constraints are I think I did pretty darn good. But still...I see some beautiful all pale colored apartment (oh soft stained wood, I love you as much as my darn stained wood!)...eggshell, offwhite, pale pink, fluffy cloud colors...basically the opposite of my apartement with it's beiges and dark browns and blacks and big red/orange painting. I need another apartment...or three.

Is it weird that I can't wait until my furniture/stuff wears out so I can think up a whole knew design?

Also... I want to be one of those crazy hippy people who buys big metal shipping containers and makes them into a house. and decorate it so super awesomely that everyone gobbstruck with how cool I am. or just finds it reall easy to be comfy and relax in it. that's always a good thing in a place of living.

thanks medical people for failing. recurring kidney stones and NO ONE mentions high oxalate foods as something i should avoid. NO ONE EVEN MENTIONS FOODS I SHOULD AVOID. i hate how our health care has turned into a race, who can get the patient to shut up and leave fastest?!?

Sometimes I feel so crap. I feel like I get up in the morning, think about cleaning that needs to get done, go to class, do cleaning instead of reading, go to class, wash dishes that might not be dirty because of me, clean up the mess on the carpet victoria made, scrub the bathroom that two other people use, ask two grown people to please, please, please pick up their stupid goddamn crap from the fucking floor. Sometimes I feel like I do this every day.

I feel so worndown with asking people to do stupid little shit. I feel like E doesn't realize how much stupid shit I do around here, with him always asking making social plans and trying to get me to go out. I'd just like to sit, get the cleaning done and have time for reading. Then I feel like shit for not appreciating E making us plans and friends.

I would like things to feel like they are all in the right place for once. Like I'm learning and on top of things. Just for a bit. If I could just turn off that nagging feeling, it would make life easier.

Yummy cheddar and broccoli rice (a la dollarstore) with grilled broccoli. So so good.

My government cheque came in the mail today which is awesome because i only sent the 'yes i'm sill in school' form a few days ago and was worried i wouldn't be getting the cheque. Did laundry and the washer didn't fuck up my duvet this time, also excellent. I also get paid today (it will be so tiny) so today is a good day so far.

Hopefully swiming at the university will go ok, it's recreational swim from 7-9 tonight...i'm hoping that because it's friday night it will be mostly empty because students here love getting drunk every weekend.

Ugh. All I want to do is sleep and maybe cry a little. Over basically nothing. Sigh.

Yesterday E and I went and met a couple he'd talked to online that seem interesting. They were nice enough, but both very skinny...and I just couldn't get it out of my head that I was super fat and they were not. That there was no way the guy would ever be attracted to me, look at his tiny wife! And of course we got together to eat, which means that food came up...which always makes me feel like the elephant (hah) in the room no one will talk about. They both kept saying they weren't getting enough vegetables in their diets right now, and E mentioned that neither have we, and that I am picky about vegetables. Fantastic. I know the akwardness was in my head but I just wanted to say 'yes, I get it, all this vegetable talk, look at me, clearly i cannot ever eat vegetales, fat people don't eat vegetables!'.  Thank you anxiety problem. Being in an anxiety inducing situation is so exhausting. Also they are both 30-ish and have two kids, a house and loads of travelling under their belts. I am 21, have no kids,no house, and have only left the country twice, both times to the states. I feel so akward talking to people when they have so much more life experience than me. I just can't contribute much to conversations about travelling, weddings, kids, house buying, wine tours, doing grad-work, parenting, different cultures (that they have lived in), driving, etc. I'm pretty sure there was a big class difference between E and I and them, as E pointed out....where do they get the money for all this stuff?! They are still both grad students yet they've done aaaall this amazing stuff. My income from now until May is going to be 3000$. Tickets to Japan and back plus expense for a week would be that much. So, yeah...climbing mountains in japan, wine tours in niagera region, Europe....not in my budget.

Oh well, I'm sure it will be better next time we hang out. First time meeting people is always the worst for me.

I went to the doctor yesterday and got some bloodwork done, see if my iron is still low (it will be) and see if my thyroid is ok (probably is). Ugh. I want an easy one pill fix for everything because sometimes I am just not in the mood to deal with everything.

I meant to do the cleanout somewhat earlier, but whaaaatever. Step one is completed, which involves seperating all clothing into different categories. The categories are as follows:1- 'sleep wear/lounge/comfy workout and cleaning stuff' which contains mostly tshirts, trak pants and pjs. 2-'undies, bras and nice socks.' they are almost all in my dresser already. 3-'feels and looks good and is appropriate for fall and winter' this is a reall varied category. Jeans, sweaters, shirts, pants, skirts and a dress or two. 4-'slightly too small but since my weight varies by 15 pounds each year, I'll keep it'. Very exclusive category since I never bother with keeping ill fitting stuff for long. 5-'potentially made into other things and crafts' which is mostly stuff that is super nice but doesn't fit or is ruined in some other area but I can't throw out. yet. 6-'put away for next summer'...pretty simple, it's just light clothing. 7-'maybe' oooh judgement day is here jersey skirt...so comfy, but so casual....not my style. 8-'to donate' just stuff I didn't end up liking or whatever. Mostly just cheap used stuff that probably got into the value village for the same reason I'm donating. 9-'sell it or mom it?' nice stuff that for whatever reason I just never wore, but is basically brand new...I think I'll try my hand at selling stuff online.

My keyboard is crapping out and missng keys...it's really fucking annoying. Stupid twenty dollar keyboard. Stupid virus on my stupid computer. I hope I get the laptop this fall.

What an exciting satuday night for me *rolls eyes* sorting clothing and writing on livejournal. Ah well, it's how I like things even if part of me wishes I had a different type of social life. Being a socialy anxious loner wouldn't be so bad if all of me could just accept it. Accept that I don't like going out, I don't like crowds, I dont like bars or spending lots of money on alcohol....I'll work on it.

Hahahha the add on the side screen says 'why am I fat: parasites living inside' haahaha so not only is there supposedly a thin person inside me, there's also parasites?! Maybe it's a parasitic thin person. Hhhhmmmmm

I need to stop dressing for the temperature in my apartment. The A/C is way up so I'm dressed in almost full length jeans and a top with elbow length sleeves. Feels nice in here, it will be way to hot outside. Too bad, I'm already dressed! And I'll just be changing later anyways. I'm so lucky to have A/C, especially in an all inclusive apartment. After all the years I didn't have A/C when I lived with my mom I kindof overdo the A/C now. 

The chump comes home tonight, beard and all! This makes me very excited. I shall wear a nice dress and then I will take it off. Yay! I forgot how high my sex drive is when I'm not getting some good quality sex on a regular basis. It will be nice to not be borderline obsessing about every good looking man I see. Such as Don Draper from Madmen. Jebus, he is fit. Yum. 

I successfully made banana bread things, which makes me feel more competent in the kitchen. I can cook more than rice and beans and nachos! Also, I have mastered cooking rice.  

That is all.

I had to wake up bright and early because I agreed to open for my sister. But everything feels nice and shiny and good. I hope it's dead at work though. We biked accross town and back last night (1/2 each on my sisters crap bike) so my legs feels all worked out and good. Yay workouts!

 Six more days until he is back. I know, I know I've already managed to wait a month but this last week will probably kill me. I just want to be able to do all the silly couple things we do. 

I made a smoothie for part of my breakfast. It turns out that a banana, frozen peaches, milk and chocolate ice cream dibs make for a decent smoothie. Though maybe it counts as a milkshake because of all the dairy...When does a blended beverage go from a smoothie to a milkshake? Hhhhmmm...

Yesterday I went to Talize and bought two pairs of jeans, two bras (slightly ick, I know, but new bras cost 16.50$ when on SALE, these bras were 4$ each), a tank top and a green reversible skirt. I think one of the jeans and the skirt will be going back. I'm encountering the dreaded in betweeny problems I always do when pants shopping. Size 16 is often too big but size 14 is often too tight. Le sigh.

In other news, there is no nice way to tell someone that their lack of balls is the hugest turn off ever, is there? All I want to say is 'jesus christ, my 16 year old brother has more freedom than you...hell I had more freedoms than you when I was THIRTEEN!! Grow some balls and dump her, you idiot. You can't even leave for work early without her flipping her lid? What's the fucking point?'

 Despite all the hullabaloo about afterlives and such all we can be 100% certain about is the life we have RIGHT NOW. Why the fuck do people waste the one life they know they have? 

with no chump. Probably another 3 weeks to go. I'm having trouble sleeping sans him. And I cannot stop thinking about him. Argh, brain shutup!

Why is it that crappy sex is easier to find than both cuddling and decent (not even going to expect great) sex? I'm starting to believe all the stereotypes...most guys just don't care about getting the other person off. 

I'll just suffer it out with mediocre sex I guess...at least the sex when the chump gets back will be super amazing. 

I'm so broke, I went and spent too much on stuff I don't need. I might return some of it soon. I might just deal with being broke for a bit. I may take some money out of my savings and use it to tide me over until next friday....I'll pay it back when I get payed. 

I'm going to go try to sleep....having no chuff is like sleeping in a strange bed in a strangers house. I need my asthmatic waterbuffalo.

During the school year I had to stop reading for pleasure as much as I'm used to, which was sad. Now that's summer is here I've been reading a lot more. People who don't read on a regular basis are weird....how can they NOT want to read? 

So far in July I have read: Harry Potter and the deathly hallows (not the first time, of course), A Long Way Home (about a child soldier), 3/4s of Armaggedon in Retrospect (Vonnegut), roughly a third of The Female Eunuch (it's a tougher read, I'm disagreeing with some of it which makes it hard to focus) and a couple of magazines. Oh and a book about muslim women in america, 'behind the veil' I think it was called....

And still I'm not satisfied. I love when my brain can go into bookworm mode. I could read all day. ALL DAY. I'll stay up late to finish a book, I'll put off eating, I'll ignore everything...

I love reading.

There's no nice way to say 'you are on the bottom of my rather short 'to-fuck' list so go away midget man', is there? 

Also: sunburn and back scratching =ow. 

Plus: sunburn plus shaving =ow. 

On the plus side I am heading towards a more tan self...even if there will be some silly tan lines. 

Still wanting that one person, but it's not going to go anywhere ever...le sigh. 

Made my class schedule for fall...might need to change one class because it's making working impossible on two days. Stupid one class.  

ok, so it's summer. So hot out. My usual promise to wear lots of sunscreen is failing. i need to get some shorts and start wearing them so then at least my legs will be as tan as my arms and chest. Stupid overtan chest. 

 So tallguy from soc class and I have been chatting away for a while, but I don't think it's going anywhere. He's too into monogamy. Oh well. I can dream. 

Things with A off to a good start...but his family crap is so irritating. He was decent in bed, not as big as I expected but such is life. It will interesting to see where this goes. 

I have decided I will not see shortymcmidget ever again. I saw him accross the street the other day and was all 'freaaaky almost midget man ew ew'. It shall not happen encore.

Kidnapped title because I wanted to post my comment as a post in my journal. it will help me to be able to come back and read it here when i'm having more body negative days. Here is a short list of what I love about my body.

 I love my face because I think all my features work well together and it's round and full of life.

I love my arms because they are soft, strong and reliable. I also have a bit of a love affair with my biceps, the slight curve looks so lovely to me.

This is a work in progress but I'm truly starting to love my tummy. It's full, big and comfy. I can rest things on it when I'm sitting and it looks really cool when I belly dance.

I love my bum. It's BIG! It fills out my pants perfectly.

My breasts are round and firm, and the cleavage they create is awesome. I won't deny that sometimes I'me mesmerized by them :P

I love my overall shape, it's pear-ish and curvy. I'm all curves and softness, great for cuddling and comforting.

*swoon* 

at times like this I wish I had a bestest girly friend who i can share everything with. one who doesn't act indifferent out of jealousy or scoffs out of incomprehension. interwebs will have to do. *it* was wonderful and i know my sham of a moral compas won't hold up (obviously).  

So, operation 'don't eat as much crap' is off to a slow start. I've been munching on salty bulk barn stuffs because I am cheap and they are an easy snack. 

I cleaned a good amount of my bedroom tonight. Looks much better, I have way to much clothing. I did an undies purge, since I may be buying more tomorrow. I was ruthless. Anything that I could recall fitting my bum weird was thrown out. Good riddance! Though I did cut out the cute little bird picture from the bum of one pair, I'll use it as a nifty patch someday. No one needs to know it was on my bum. Except you, interwebs. 

I started a few crafty projects, mainly altering some paints I bought used that were a little snug (I can't resist brandnew looking old navy capris for 5$). But my sewing machine started fucking everything up so I gave up for the night. One day I'll break down and read the instruction manual. 

Bed time shall be soon, it's been a long day. 7 hrs of work, not enough sleep last night, le sex, cleaning galore and the always tiring panty execution desicions.